# knowing

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All this time in my head there was a question, one question can turn everything seems joyful into gloomy, cleverness into sadness and happiness into despair.

I long for an answer, a direction, or simply a guideline to set out…
as you may guess, I found it, found the answer, THE answer
that is, my effort, my attempt, my endeavor was less than the meaningless and the nothingness itself.

It makes me happy for a while, sad for a while, and between the two, between the void, the gap of happiness and sorrow, I found myself standing there, no, I found the kid, the young uplifting kid with a smile offering me his toy. I recognized the toy, it was my toy that mother gave me when I was 8 and the kid was…me.
As I standing there, I saw something cannot put into words, only glimmers of a scene giving those words a shape it could not

a scene of myself handing myself a toy as a token of freedom to break the wall, to fill the empty and a means of consciousness.

-R